[TIRES SCREECHING]
[GRUNTS]
I've gotta be dreaming.
Is that what I think it is?
Only if you're thinking...
...the Great Wall of China?
HARRISON: Hey...
...we're back on Earth.
Then that must be the "Great Ceiling of China."
Last time I checked, the Great Wall was outdoors.
I don't think this is Earth.
Could this have been built by the Chinese humans...
...brought to this planet through the stargate?
Maybe, but why build a wall inside a building?
The original Great Wall was built to keep the Mongols out.
This was built to keep out stray dogs?
- Not mongrels, Mongols. - Oh.
Ancient nomadic raiders from Mongolia. There should be gates every few miles.
Hey, you know I was joking, right?
Sure, you were.
HARRISON: I was, really, I was. Hey, really.
[GROWLING]
[BEEPING]
This just keeps getting better.
Huh?
SEATTLE: Battle damage everywhere.
HARRISON: Looks like somebody shot this guy's nose off.
BONNER [OVER RADIO]: Actually, it was chiseled off a thousand years ago.
There was a story Napoleon's soldiers shot it off for cannon practice in 1798.
This isn't right. The Sphinx was at Giza.
That temple is Luxor. It's hundreds of miles down the Nile near Thebes.
These are all famous monuments from Earth's history.
- Maybe it's a museum. - If it is, the scale is amazing.
You think they've got, like, a snack bar or something?
Or maybe a gift shop? I could get one of those T-shirts:
"I visited a humongous alien museum and all I got was this dumb shirt."
You find T-shirts more interesting than all this?
It's okay if you're into history, but, I mean...
...the past is so, like, 10 minutes ago.
Everybody should know history. It's how you became who you are.
- I know all I need to know, okay? - Not okay.
How do you understand the present if you don't know what came before?
You know what they say, "Those who forget the past are doomed to--"
- Hear about it. - Huh?
Looks pretty bad.
The real Parthenon was in fairly good shape until 1687...
...when the Venetians laid siege to Athens.
You see, the Turks, who controlled Athens at the time...
...were using it to store gunpowder.
During the siege, it blew up and--
No offense, major, but get a life.
That's it. I'm not telling you anything else.
- Promise? Really? - History, interesting.
Thanks. I think so too.
We are being invaded.
Now, full-plate armor was a late development.
The Romans started with chain mail, but--
Hey, you promised.
SEATTLE: Major, I think I see an exit door.
Great, I am so ready to put the past behind me.
Hm. Hmm.
[SCREAMING]
Harrison.
Got him.
Now we know why it's not an open-air museum.
[SPITTING]
Man, I gotta find a soda machine.
The Hundred Years' War didn't last exactly a hundred years.
It just seemed that long because it was so dull.
You know, I don't think he can stop himself.
BONNER: That's the Arc de Triomphe.
Napoleon started it in 1806 after his victory at Austerlitz.
Everywhere, destruction.
Everything, war.
Yeah, a lot of Earth's history is conflict.
But it's also a story of philosophy, art, great moral teachers...
...scientific progress.
Now, that's what I call scientific progress.
Sacré bleu. We are under attack.
Oh. I saw one of those in a magic show once.
It was developed during the French Revolution...
...as a humane way to execute condemned prisoners.
How can be humane to execute?
BONNER: Good question. - Oh.
BONNER: I'm just saying it was less cruel than the old way of doing it.
And it can make millions of french fries.
Oh, not you too, Seattle.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Fall back.
SEATTLE: Oh. Oh!
We're cut off.
Major, they're behind us.
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
- They've stopped. - Is this a good thing?
I don't think so.
Do we fight?
Fight Napoleon?
We're in way over our heads.
Then if we don't fight?
We run.
HARRISON: Going my way?
BONNER: Dead end.
We can't go outside into that storm. We're trapped.
See? You learned from your past mistakes.
Another good reason to know history.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
If we don't get out of here, we'll be history.
We've got company and they're bringing gifts.
[WEAPON FIRES]
Use the paving stones to build a barricade.
They always used to do that in Paris.
- This will stop them, right, major? - No, but it'll slow them down, maybe.
[ROBOTS SCREAMING]
It's coming from the other street.
The enemy retreats, Caesar.
I came, I saw, I conquered.
Barbarians, the Gauls have been driven off.
- Gauls? - Gaul is what the Romans called France.
- Romans? - In the name of Gaius Julius Caesar...
...conqueror of the Gauls...
...imperator and dictator of Rome.
- Surrender and you will be shown mercy. HARRISON: Huh?
NAPOLEON: You may surrender to that pretender if you wish.
But as emperor of the French...
...I demand you hand your weapons and vehicles to me.
Tough situation. Caught between Napoleon and Caesar.
That's a dessert and a salad.
Yeah, and we're the main course.
- They both want our weapons. - That's not gonna happen.
- Why are you fighting? - There can be only one emperor.
Yes, and I am the emperor.
Your empire is just a museum.
It's not worth fighting over.
The dignity of Caesar demands that no one be above him.
- Even here. - Le museum, c'est moi.
We're talking egomaniac here. In stereo.
They can't be the real Caesar and Napoleon, can they?
Right. They'd be, like, hundreds of years old.
Actually, Julius Caesar would be over 2000 years old.
What, does this history stuff, like, run in the family?
Could aliens have brought them here?
- Maybe suspended animation? - Maybe they're clones.
Whatever they are, they think they're the real Napoleon and Caesar.
Maybe we can use what we know about them against them.
I don't know anything about them.
Fortunately, I do. That's my point.
If I didn't know my, oh, so boring history...
...we'd be in real trouble.
HARRISON: What?
I'm Major Gus Bonner, United States Air Force.
Why don't we all rule this place together?
What makes you think they'll agree to that?
They both did once before they became emperor.
Caesar was part of the triumvirate...
...with Pompey and Crassus, and Napoleon was--
Yeah, I'll take your word for it.
I have lived long enough, both in years and in accomplishment.
Caesar will negotiate.
If you must break the law, do it to seize power.
In all other cases, observe it.
You have the word of the emperor.
I know when it is necessary...
...how to leave the skin of the lion to take one of a fox.
BONNER: We've bought some time.
But we've got to find out how they run this place.
Ec'co, you and Stacey look for some kind of control room.
Why not just make a run for the stargate and get out of here?
And let those two megalomaniacs tear this place apart?
No, this museum is too important. The history it captures--
Okay, okay, we'll find the control room.
All right, let's go negotiate with my co-rulers.
[VEHICLES APPROACHING]
Glad you all could make it.
Now, the big question is how to divide the museum...
...between the three of us.
Caesar insists on a three-way division of Paris.
Further, all Gaul shall also be so divided.
Of course, I demand a third of Rome.
I made my infant son a king of that rubble pile.
Huh? Rubble pile? My empire lasted 500 years.
Yours didn't last your lifetime.
I created laws for the ages...
...the Napoleonic code.
CAESAR: I reformed the calendar.
July's named after me.
And I never missed an Army-Air Force football game.
Guys, we can work this out.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
There is no place in a fanatic's head where reason can enter.
Great men, for good or bad, resemble each other.
Hm. Interesting.
- Who said that? - You did.
The die is cast.
What?
[ALL GRUNTING]
So much for negotiation.
Speeches pass away, but acts remain.
Great battles are won with artillery.
BONNER: The first triumvirate lasted a lot longer than this.
[ROBOTS SCREAMING]
They can't take water. Knowledge is power.
HARRISON: Whoa!
Huh?
EC'CO [OVER RADIO]: We've located the control room, major.
- We're on our way. - Major, where's Harrison?
Harrison. Come in, Harrison.
BOTH: Hm?
[STATIC CRACKLING]
You are in the Colosseum. Do you know what happens here?
You should ask Major Bonner. I'm sure he'd be happy to tell you.
Actually, this was built a century after my time.
By the emperors Vespasian and Titus.
Enough with the history.
Let the games begin.
HARRISON: Huh? What?
[ROARING]
[GASPS]
[HARRISON GRUNTING]
Uh-oh.
[ROARING]
HARRISON: Whoa!
Why me? I'm allergic to cats.
EC'CO: Caesar and Napoleon are androids.
Programmed with the memories and personalities of the real emperors.
Underneath their synthetic skin, they're robots...
...like their soldiers.
Though, apparently, their soldiers were originally maintenance robots.
Why don't we just tell those two endless egos they're robots?
- They'd never believe it. HARRISON [OVER RADIO]: Major Bonner.
Harrison, we've been trying to reach you.
I think sand clogged my radio.
- Where are you? - Inside the Colosseum.
But I'm about to be inside a lion.
The lions are androids too.
They're robots. They can't eat you.
HARRISON: Do they know that?
Can you turn the lions off?
I can't control any of the robots.
They've been running on their own for a century.
Ever since whoever built the museum abandoned it.
The Colosseum. Ec'co, look for a control to flood it.
If I remember my history, it's gotta be there someplace.
Flood it? Why would I be able to do that?
Huh? Hold it. Looks like I can.
Set it up and wait for orders. Harrison, I've got a plan.
BONNER [OVER RADIO]: Tell Caesar I've got a proposition for him.
[ROARING]
Ah!
Major Bonner wants to trade.
But I have to be, you know, alive.
Phew!
Next time, you will not allow your emperor to be ambushed.
Yes, my emperor.
Now, put your head back on.
[NAPOLEON YELLS]
Huh? Ah!
Okay, let's try this again.
Maybe you two don't care that this empire is a museum.
But how do you feel about the fact that you're both robots?
I am an emperor, not a contrivance.
Caesar is first among men, not machines.
Really? Just answer one question.
When was the last time either of you ate something?
I've never been hungry.
Hunger is for lesser beings.
That's what I thought you'd say.
Okay, Ec'co, it's showtime.
This Colosseum is a working replica of the original.
It could be flooded so gladiators could fight on ships...
...like an actual sea battle.
[BOTH YELL]
HARRISON: Hey!
Looks like you won't be crossing the Rubicon.
Soldiers of Rome, save your emperor.
ALL: Hail, Caesar.
And I thought Elba was small.
You were created as exhibits in this museum.
That's your real past, your real history.
You're not emperors, you're machines.
Now that you know your past...
...you can plan your future based on who you really are.
If Caesar is not Caesar, then he needs no empire.
A throne is just a bench covered in velvet.
- We agree. - Okay, Ec'co, dry them out.
BONNER: I'm sorry I had to be the one to break the news.
But it's important to know where you really come from.
Even if it's not the past you would've chosen.
Hail and farewell.
Perhaps an alliance to repair the damage we've caused.
Bring back the enthusiastic mobs.
Ah, tourists. What good is a Colosseum with empty seats?
We could build some roads.
Major, I'm sorry I said history was dull and unimportant.
- A real waste of time, totally boring. - I get the idea.
Anyway, you were right. It's good to know history.
I'm sorry I dissed it. So I got you a present.
You know, to sort of show I'm sorry.
I got it at what's left of the gift shop. Hope you like it.
[BONNER CHUCKLES]
Gee, thanks, Harrison, but you really didn't have to.
Well, this place was built by aliens.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Subtitles by SDI Media Group